SO, BOUNDARIES.
Having boundaries around the holidays is always a good idea. Whether it’s with yourself, your spouse, your parents, or your in-laws, it’s vital for our wellbeing. It is important not to compromise who you are to please others. A boundary is a line in the sand that delineates where you stand on certain things for yourself, your family, and your life. It determines what you will accept or allow. Without boundaries, you could lack certain layers of protection for your soul and your peace. I learned I need a standard for myself and my marriage in order to safeguard what I have. It takes some time to develop these, but having conversations about boundaries with your partner and/or loved ones breeds intimacy and trust. When done right, healthy relationships can truly be strengthened. Reflection of how certain situations make you feel will make this easier.
Having lived through a pandemic, we are all craving human connection. But this shouldn’t come at the cost of your peace. As the holidays gear up, and plans begin to unfold, keep watch of how you feel.
Some of the following might show the need for boundaries: feeling exhausted, overworked, tired, broke, depressed, anxious, disappointed, or neglected. We have all been one of these at one point or another. But boundaries are our own to keep, and we cannot blame anyone else for our happiness. I hope one or two of these help you out during your holiday season!
BUDGET
Know how much you want to spend and stick with it! I use the Everydollar App with my husband so we can plan everything out ahead of time. It is a game changer, and we have used this app for about 4 years. We love it, and it comes in especially handy around the holidays. This budgeting app gives so much breathing room to our budget and allows us to have control over where our money goes. “When did I spend so much?” is not a thing in our household. In order to be generous presently and in the future, you have to plan. Planning ahead will prevent any feeling of resentment or regret over spending too much after attending a celebration or hosting for the holidays. It’s totally avoidable. I hate being wasteful, and in order to live a luxury life, it requires some investing and planning for the future. OK. You get it. I’m a planner. I’m just saying that no one should learn the hard way: you do not want to overextend yourself just to show off around the holidays. Many overspend around the holidays and then pay off credit card debt – I want to give gifts that I can pay for in cash, not go into debt for. Credit card debt is an American curse. Dave Ramsey and Rachel Cruze are some great financial resources for some basics regarding that topic.
Some topics we like to include before the holidays, but especially when hosting for the holidays:
1. Who you want to get gifts for;
2. How much you want to spend on each gift;
3. What activities you want to do as a group; and
4. How much each activity will cost.
These conversations are important in managing expectations so that everyone can plan accordingly.
When hosting, some ideas that don’t cost an arm and a leg include: cooking at home together, having game nights (we love Settlers of Catan, Phase 10, and just plain cards), building a gingerbread house, throwing a movie night, having a competitive cookie decorating contest, going for a hike, driving to Lake Lanier to look at Christmas lights, and heading to a Christmas Eve service at church. I love getting creative over the holidays. It’s funny because some of the most expensive things turn out to be the least memorable. Usually taking a group bowling or rock climbing is not terribly expensive, but it’s a BLAST. I enjoy doing active things so I can get my workout in with everyone. Most of our family are active, so it works out well! I love to do things out of the house, but movie nights in are probably my favorite. When I think of this time of year, I think of Elf the movie. Make sure you have lots of warm cider, cozy blankets, homemade buttered popcorn, chocolate, and make a whole night of it! What’s your go-to Christmas flick? I need some recommendations!
KEEP YOUR COMMITMENTS
If you have other things you need to get done while hosting for the holidays, don’t neglect them. I know during the holidays this year, I will be studying for the Florida Bar Exam, practicing law, and working out. I can’t push these things to the side because family is staying with us. If they were only visiting for a day, then maybe. However, a week off of my goals is not happening. Ultimately, these things are high on my priority list, and my family is so supportive and understands that. I will certainly still be celebrating but I’ll be sure to get those things done, so I can actually enjoy time together and unplug. Be fully present with whatever it is you’re doing – whether that’s quality time or studying or movie night. No one wants to hang out with someone who’s stressed and worried about the 5 other things they’re not doing.
KNOW YOUR LIMITS
If you know you get tired after hanging with certain people – like your parents or in-laws – after two or three nights, make sure you remember your limits when you invite them for an entire week! A week or under is usually our sweet spot because after that, it starts to feel a little overwhelming, and you just need your space back to lay on the couch in your underwear. You do not want to have guests in your home when you’re angry or in a mood because you invited them for way longer than you could handle. Ultimately, that would be your fault. Don’t do things out of guilt. If your mom asks why you cannot come for longer, just say, “Mom, this is what we can do right now due to our schedule.” If she doesn’t understand or guilts you, ask her to be more understanding and not guilt you because you are doing your best to balance everyone and everything. Plus, God loves a cheerful giver, not a resentful giver. If you’re not totally into something, DON’T DO IT. That’s kind of what the book, “The Best Yes!” is all about. There can be a lot of good offers or invitations, but that doesn’t mean you need to say, “yes,” to everything. Learn to say no. It will get you far in life. I have not mastered this quite yet but am a work in progress. My husband and I are both people pleasers – we’re afraid of letting people down or disappointing anyone. But ultimately, then you end up being the one always feeling empty. This is something we had no clue how to navigate at first, so don’t feel bad if you’re feeling clueless at first too. They don’t teach you these things in school unfortunately. If you don’t know your limit time-wise when hosting or visiting family, your spouse might know yourself better than you do. So don’t be afraid of asking them to weigh in.
DECOMPRESS
I’m an introvert. I know I need time to myself every single day or I feel emotionally exhausted. Whether that’s a trip to the gym or a long bath, at some point, it needs to happen for me to be my best self. It doesn’t have to be 5 hours, but even 30 minutes can make a world of difference. You want to be around family and create lasting memories. You don’t want memories of fighting, arguing, or anything negative. At least I don’t. I want memories of laughter, delicious food, and quality conversation.
DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP
If you’ve been around for a while, you know I’m the queen of delegation. Know your weaknesses and strengths. There are things I can DIY and there are things that I just should never attempt to do ever again. For example, I know I don’t have the best eye when it comes to event planning. I’m humble enough to admit that need help. Yesterday, I was hosting a quaint attorney event, so I hired help with setting up, decor, serving drinks, etc. This was so worth it because I was fully able to enjoy myself rather than worry about everyone else enjoying themselves, finding the venue, serving drinks. I could just relax and catch up with peers! I’ve actually never hired help for a small event like this before, but I’m going to keep it in my arsenal for the future.
If you’re hosting for a week around the holidays, or even just hosting one big family dinner, don’t be afraid to ask for some help, especially if you’re extraordinarily busy. Whether it’s asking your spouse, your guests, or hiring someone to cook and clean, it can certainly be worth it. One of my friends has heard this piece of advice time and time again: getting a housekeeper can save a marriage! Sometimes the sweat equity isn’t worth it when you need to get back to other duties, and the house is not tidy or clean. Don’t argue over who is going to do what with your spouse and just hire some help. Even if it’s just this once. Hosting is no joke. Worrying about getting the house back in order after it has been lived in, slept in, eaten in, and cooked in with triple the traffic it usually has, can just be too much. It might be worth it to spend the extra cash on a maid!
FINAL WORDS
I hope these helped. Boundaries are my favorite because they allow me to improve and keep positive, loving relationships with those I care about deeply. What boundaries do you keep around the holidays? Comment below!